Under Construction Part II – Recreate

Photo by Matthew Hamilton on Unsplash

In part I of this saga, I decided that as I am very serious about my writing, I thought I’d reward my efforts and expends some funds to invest in this endeavor, my passion.  I knew it wouldn’t be an easy task.

CSS?  Excuse me?  HTML?  Is my head spinning!  It’s bad enough I’m having trouble getting widgets!  I tried to write my first bit of HTML and it’s saved as text.  

So much for my foray into the world of web design…

Now, I have an even bigger problem – OK, several.  First of all, I’ve been on this main blog for a while now and have built a following that I’m very proud of.  I sure don’t want to lose any of you.  Now, can I take you with me?  Can I shift these posts?

If that’s a “no,” I’m going to shoot this out to all of you.  I need ideas here.  I have a list of things I need help with.  Here they are:

• First, my “reflectmyselfblog” is now my domain.  But what I need?  A title for this new endeavor.  I’d like some input – my creative juices are not, uh, “there.”  I got accustomed to my other one.
• If I have to live with two blogs side-by-side, what can I do with them?  What would you suggest I do with them?  I was going to push my more creative writing on the new site.  The other site was going to take a different direction; some creative but also some updates.  What are your thoughts?
• Third, what are some ideas on what I can write about on both blogs, if I must keep both?
• Finally, what on earth do I do with HTML and CSS on Notepad that wants to save to text?  Should I use the black screen editor for creating code?  And what kinds of things can I do here?  I don’t want it to be too bland but yet I don’t want it destroyed or cluttered here.  I know support is key here but if any of you have ideas here, leave them in the comments section.  I’d sure love to hear them!

Now, what about me?  A mess.

That goes without saying.  I made my weight goal – TADA!  I’m now down 50 pounds. Now, the surgeon talks surgery and what it entails.  Disgusting – and, it’s major surgery; down for at least a week; 3-5 days in the hospital at least.  Soft foods, the works. Oh was I devastated!  So, the man who claims to be my “best friend” and will be around, is consulted.

It got real ugly, real fast.  One nasty email later and words that never should have been spoken, I now have a 30-year friendship that’s in deep trouble.  I’ve been pushed beyond what I can handle and then, my emotions went sideways.  Sure, he’s married in a lousy marriage, but….no one is truly working “program” here.  And oh was I “shamed” and “invalidated” for my stress.  It was all about how I made HIM feel, all was true.  Then comes the “I’m going to pull things back and I’m going to be your sponsor in AA.”

Excuse me?  Not done; a man and woman don’t do that. The infamous “13th step” is at risk.  And with emotions expressed as they have been, no way.  After sleeping overnight, I woke up, headed into the shower, sobbed, then went off and went to replace clothing I needed to do – but found no pleasure in doing so.  And I’m noticing I’m spending money today.  It’s to fill a void and I need to be careful.  But the best move I did?

I called out for help from a female AA member who told me what I needed to hear and validated me and my emotions.  Anger is lurking and is deep.  Too much change in too little time – and I need space.  It’s like this blog I’m trying to build; I can’t figure this out on my own and need help.  I need to recreate myself and focus on myself and what I want to do and be my true self.

And 1-2 years of no romance as if I was first sober.  I’m more than happy to get rid of THAT!

Aid is in flux, insurance is changing, counseling may be shifting, my employment is becoming stable, and I can’t handle anymore.  No more. I destroyed my portable Instagram account because I now have a male fanbase who isn’t following my blog, if you catch my meaning.  Oh, am I tired of that!  I’m sick and tired of that, in fact.

I just want peace.  I want love, trust, and understanding.  And I know it will begin once I gain it within myself first; when my life settles down a bit and I do the work that needs to be done.

Yet, my heart is broken.  Thirty years…

I can’t think about that now.  It’s like my kids.  I must move on and work on myself.  Time will tell what happens in the future – he may or may not be a part of that.  I must focus on my future as I’m now coming off of aid and adjusting to being part of life again.  I must become re-connected to life again.  He’s got his issues; I’ve got mine.  The boundaries are now up and must stay up.

Now, back to this new blog.  I would love some help from you – my true support.  

 Recreate