An Anticipated Moment – An Unexpected Outcome

via Daily Prompt: Anticipate

It all began with the post talking about my surgery and my “liquid diet.”  That was so long ago, it seemed like.  I began a journey to my health, my true health.  I was given six months to see if I could make it all work so that the next phase, my hernia, could be repaired.  Honestly, I don’t think my surgeon thought I could do it.  It made me ever the more determined to prove him wrong.

Many of you watched and read as, well, I grew.  You saw me grow as a person.  You saw me grow into a full person.  You shared in my joys, my sorrows, my happiness and my frustrations.  Then, something happened:  I discovered the joy of blogging/writing!  I had been writing in secret but now, I was no longer in fear to do so.  You all encouraged me with the “likes” and your encouragement, telling me in your comments that I should keep going; plugging away.  Blogging University gave me some tools to get going.  But I also discovered what many writers experience:  burn out and writer’s block.  This was one of those prompts I was absolutely stumped by.  Sure I wrote something but it wasn’t to my liking.  Now I have something and, it’s a huge, emotional milestone filled with tremendous anticipation – and, even fear.  

I became a writer and blogger and I found freedom here. I could pour my heart and soul here.  I found that creating characters based on life experiences of myself or others was my style of writing.  It’s not always successful but at least I can play around with them and create something new from the not-so-successful ones.  I’m getting to know many of you and it feels good.  I follow many blogs and don’t think I don’t read them all.  I do.  I may not comment on them, but I read them – for style, content and even ideas for those ideas on the days I obtain writer’s block.  And, believe it or not, it’s for perspective when my days aren’t going so well.

Warning, I may be hitting up a few of your blogs as today was a shocker for me. I have choices to make and it can determine my life going forward. And, as a stubborn woman, I don’t like it when my destiny is not mine to determine. To hell with my Higher Power! Pick on someone else, why don’t you?  (Hey, can we toss on TODAY’S word of the day here?  I’m not much for wanting to obey anyone today…)  Today?  Skyrim and “Fus Ro Dah!”  It’s time to kill a few dragons.

So, during these six months, my anticipation was that I’d lose over 40 pounds to tell my surgeon, “Ha!  I’ll show YOU I can do it!”  My Fitness Pal and Map My Walk armed on my cell phone ready to go, I was off to the races!  Tracking every morsel that touched my lips and walking everywhere I went.  I even walked MORE than the 10,000 steps on several occasions, and it was a minimum of 2 pounds a week – slowly.  It was the way it’s supposed to be.  Fruits, veggies, diet coke was history – added tea to the diet – healthy things.  Red meat had to go – even just two days ago, I tried a hamburger and….no.  Red meat is history in my diet.  Gone for good.

My psychiatrist tracked me for medical purposes and the weight was falling off of me. He was so proud!  SO proud!  He kept encouraging me to keep pushing, keep trudging along and to never give up.  He knew what I had been through all along.  He knew this was important and as he was also an Internal Medicine specialist he knew how critical this was.  Now, it’s…a bit more complicated than I had anticipated.

Damned timing…

I was thinking, “I’ll get this weight off then the surgery THEN comes the job.”  Yeah, right. One Higher Power screws it all up and says, “HA!  You FIRST get the job AS you lose the weight and then?  Let’s toss on the surgery plans.”   And what was my reaction?  First, shock.  Then, tears – I had to open up to someone at work, my immediate supervisor.  I was never keen on making friends like that at work.  I was always, “work stays at work, home stays at home.”  Today, I reached out and it felt good.  I HAD to.  My sanity and my work quality were at stake.  And, I made a friend I could trust.  My heart was breaking and, in truth, I felt as alone as the image I placed in this piece.  Truly alone.  I was depressed, heartbroken, lost, terrified.  For every several steps forward I take, it feels as if I take even more backward.   I gain no traction at all.  I want to scream, shout, cry, throw huge tantrums in frustration.  I feel like no one understands this frustration.

Yes, I’m anticipating the worst – all or nothing thinking again.  Catastrophizing as is said in DBT.  I tend to do that.  But oh did I feel so lonely.  I reached out and found one who listened and cared – I guess I wasn’t alone after all.  But the fact remained:  a decision has to be made and…risks have to be taken.  I’m still anticipating the worst, even though Vocational Rehabilitation is involved and must argue for an accomodating condition due to an unforeseen circumstance and this was a temp to hire agreement.  I was told that I was liked and my supervisor wanted to keep me.  But it’s a business, a going concern.  I know how it all works.

I’m terrified and don’t trust very easily.  I feel like the character Indiana Jones in the scene of the third installment where he needs to trust to walk across a ravine that appears as nothing but turns out, there’s a ridge.  It’s a mirage.  It’s a trust walk.  Perhaps, this is a trust walk of my own that I’m anticipating the worst.  I do have a huge decision to make – not a life-threatening one but a severe one just the same.  There’s just so much unknown and…too many anticipated outcomes….and a Higher Power, I’m struggling to trust.


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