As I sit on my deck, sipping tea; relaxing
My mind is wandering, drifting, going back in time
My mind’s eye sees the journey I’ve tread; healing then relapsing
Like a drug addict who thinks they can handle “just this one time”
But only to discover, they’re back in the darkness; collapsing
I don’t know where it all started for me; when my mind gave out
Was it after pregnancy, the third one? Or was it earlier still? Who knows?
All I remember? Sleeping and unable to awaken. It was depression without a doubt
My sleep had no dreams; like I had a knock-out drug in a large dose
Before long, I was in a doctor’s office with drugs of their own
One did nothing. Another, I gained weight. Yet another, I became hyper
Another doctor figured out it wasn’t depression, he had a diagnosis all his own
Bipolar disorder – I had highs and lows, like a wild roller coaster rider
Problem solved, another drug made just for this disorder, I thought I was cured
Wrong, oh so wrong; another diagnosis blown
I gave up for a time feeling like the world had ended
Before long, it became clear, my mind was not well, it needed healing
Another chance, another doctor who had a different agenda
I was feeling like a nervous, raving, lunatic whose racing mind was unyielding
“Aha! I have just the thing!” the new doctor says, his latest panacea in hand
All I cared about? Did it work? My weary mind needed convincing
It was an experimental combination thanks to the FDA. Wonderful, just grand.
Now I felt like a guinea pig in a science experiment rather than a patient
But, I took the cocktail, desperate for my mind to return from Disneyland
I was feeling like I was permanently stuck on the Matterhorn, spinning, racing
Not only did I start to see relief, I started to LOSE WEIGHT!
Oh was I a guinea pig now; my weight was being managed along with my mind
Jenny Craig? Weight Watchers? Pfft! I had MY miracle cure in a bottle
My mental health medications were all I needed to drop the weight and gain my mind
At the rate I was dropping my weight, I could become a supermodel
But my mind? That was a different story. Anxiety and mood swings were still my companions
Would anything help? Anything at all? I looked good, but my mind was like jello
The symptoms – which I’m only now aware – were clearly there; my sanity had been abandoned
My spending went out of control. As a parent, I looked like an odd fellow
I won’t even start on the decline of my marriage, you can guess what happened there
What I put my husband through, it was just unfair
This went on for YEARS. My suffering was tremendous; my misery was horrible
I lost my marriage, my home, my standard of living and nearly my children
I moved constantly like a vagabond without a home that was affordable
The truth of my life, of how sick I was, I was keeping hidden
More medications were being added and removed; I had some relief
But what I truly needed? To be in a hospital under a doctor’s care
That, however, would not come for many years adding to my grief
The other part of the problem? My lack of knowledge – I didn’t know what to share
It wouldn’t be until my children were in their teenage years I’d finally see relief
My mind and my mood swings were out of control like a raging torrent
I had lost sleep for three weeks straight; I rarely ate or went outside
I couldn’t tell you what time of day it was – let alone the day itself
The day my relief came, I was in such torment
I wanted to vanish; simply to disappear but the symptoms would not subside
Soon I was in the hospital and my medications changed for good
That was five years ago now and that journey has led me to where I am
Stability, sanity, and a life of truth; my truth, and my life has also changed for good
Therapy, rehabilitation, vocational rehabilitation all brought me to this place called “I can”
So that now I can look back, proudly, and say, like a war veteran who did battle, “I made it back.”
Wow. Very moving and very inspiring
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Thank you for your kind words. It’s been a long road. The piece for me was both therapeutic and a reminder of how far I’ve come. I live with me so I often miss the progress.
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Good for you! 😊
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Hello there. I have nominated you for The Mystery Blogger Award. ☺
https://amaeslove.com/2017/08/26/the-mystery-blogger-award/
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I’m deeply honored by the recognition. Thank you for the recognition and the honor. What are
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You’re so welcome. ♡
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What are the rules for my acceptance?
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The rules for the award are found in the link I sent you in my comment. 😊
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