That’s how I get rid of the bugs. The only good bug is a DEAD one in my mind.
But what happens if the bugs are the voices in your mind that say “You can’t do this,” “You’re not doing well enough,” or even worse, you compare yourself to others demoralizing yourself even more? This kind of “pest control” is a bit extreme don’t you think? Humorous for bugs but for the “pests” of the mind and for rebuilding self-image…uhh, not such a good thing. It might even frighten those reading this and have people think, “You sure you’re alright?”
Another day, another interview that didn’t go the way I had hoped. And I wake up today, two days later with an “ear worm” of a song, “One Way Or Another.” I was listening to this in one of those listening pods as I was waiting. Although, now that I think about it, it’s probably timely given what I have just experienced. Another step in the process.
A friend from high school marries a college sweetheart who hooked up on Facebook over three years. I was VERY happy for him and his new wife as I know how he struggled raising his kids among other things. But it hit me in another way – how life has passed and I’m still divorced and wondering where MY life has taken ME. Again, the “pests” in my head were screaming loudly this morning so I took a walk through my neighborhood, a good thing. But what it made me realize was this: I’m starting to wake up from my malaise. I’m determining what it is that I truly want for my life going forward. My kids have their lives now that they’re grown and have moved on. Sure I’ve been dealing with health issues but it’s been both an “issue” but also an excuse for not moving forward. Between this and a phone call from a childhood friend of mine the other night, I realize that I don’t want to be “divorced” for the rest of my life like my mother was. I want a different life and to move on. The job is only one thing I’d like to change. I’m working on my physical health and the body image issues that are going along with that – dropping 35 pounds is huge for me and I am proud of that! A relationship would be icing on the cake – one that is long-lasting. But like those nasty cockroaches, relationships just appear when you least expect them…wait, that’s not a good analogy is it?
As I said, the only good bug is a DEAD one….
Then there was this friend who called me the other night; a male childhood friend. Talk about a PEST! Teasing me incessantly and he had a nickname for me: “priceless.” I took it as the negative connotation. I’m laughing as I type this as now we’re older and here come the confessions – proof that Mom is always right: there was a “first love” right under my nose. At the time, I wanted to STOMP on this guy he was so relentless in his teasing. This was elementary school. He moves away. We bump into each other again in middle school. Still the same nice yet twisted personality type of guy. But he’s not around long. Then he re-appears in high school and stays this time until graduation. He never changed; he just grew up but he was always that guy I played tennis with against the wall in the apartment complex we grew up in, though I considered him a long-time friend from childhood. A bit of a pest…but not one to “eradicate.” DEFINITELY not 30 years later! But he did challenge me on a great many things – such as avoiding my garbage and moving forward despite the challenges I have. The “we all have shit” mindset. And he was and IS right. We all have our garbage but it’s how we deal with it that counts. Me? I’ve let the “pests” accumulate and have avoided people as a result out of fear.
UGH! Just the thought of letting cockroaches accumulate really left me unsettled….
*Cringe, another shudder*
I think the thought of THAT alone makes me want to MOVE to get rid of THAT! And, no, not with an ax. But with action, not just dreaming – and for me dreaming has been called “brainstorming.” So technical. And if there’s anything from this to take away, I’m seeing progress that the malaise and “fog” is clearing and I’m more determined to go forward and knock out the pests that are screaming in my head saying, “No” and shouting back, “Yes I can.”